A Narrow Fit

Imagine if you will the high anxiety that surrounds hiking Zion’s Narrows Canyon.  It is one of the most highly sought after hikes in the park, second only to the steeper, higher Angel’s Landing.    One must brave wading through a flowing, 46 degree river of varying depths, maintain balance across bowling-ball-shaped rocks, all while protecting precious cargo like cameras and vital organs.

"Guide Noir and the RV Babes."

“Guide Noir and the RV Babes.”

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Guide Noir, showing a little leg.  "I'm.  Too sexy for my shorts.  Too sexy for my shorts too sexy."  ;-)

Guide Noir, showing a little leg. “I’m. Too sexy for my shorts. Too sexy for my shorts too sexy.” 😉

But no, that’s not the high anxiety I am talking about here.   Instead, it is subjecting myself to the humiliation of being “sized up” to see if the lovely jumpsuit overalls will fit my ample posterior.  The man staffing Zion Outfitters (why couldn’t it have been a woman?) says “Let’s err on the side of conservative.”  I reply, “Meaning???”  to which he whispers,  “You know….Extra large?” 

Mark and Bobbie, explaining "We don't need no stinkin' sissy pants!"

Mark and Bobbie, explaining “We don’t need no stinkin’ sissy pants!”

I'm just in it for the shoes...

I’m just in it for the shoes…

 

The look says it all...

The look says it all…

The gang has decided to meet at Zion Outfitters to try on equipment for the hike, and then we will go for dinner afterward.   Special shoes and neoprene socks are highly recommended to insulate the feet and provide ankle support while wading over the huge stones in the water.  But there is an additional offering, and that is to rent what Box Canyon Mark affectionately calls “sissy pants.”   These are waterproof pants, or in the case of Zion Outfitters, actual overalls with suspenders over the shoulders.  They have a tight (and I mean STRANGULATION TIGHT) rubber gasket around each ankle to prevent the water from seeping up the pants legs.

The Last Supper?

The Last Supper?

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Being fitted for this kind of stuff would cause me anxiety around total strangers, let alone six of my newest best friends.   I have visions of sweat popping out on my brow as I struggle to fit into one of the four sizes offered where the first three don’t count.   My strategy is to get to the shop early to avoid public humiliation, but once again, my plan is foiled by “The Early Ones.”  Mark and Bobbie are already there, and it doesn’t take long for the laughter to ensue.  Pretty soon, the small shop at the gate of Zion National Park is full of geezers guffawing while doing the “Hazmat Hustle.”IMG_2215 IMG_0591 IMG_0593

We all take our respective gear back to our respective rigs, and wait for the excitement of our planned departure the next morning.  I wake up to an email from Debbie titled, “It’s just like Christmas morning!”  We trade jokes about rethinking the green chili cheeseburgers from the night before, and the delicate balance between just enough caffeine to stave off the headache, but not enough to have to wriggle out of our “hazmat suits” should Mother Nature call while along the river.  No bushes to hide behind in the Narrows!IMG_2163 IMG_2170 IMG_2173

Following Bobbie up the 1 mile Riverwalk to the river entrance.

Following Bobbie up the 1 mile Riverwalk to the river entrance.

There is an ongoing debate on whether to “suit up” at the trail-head, or haul the gear for the one mile walk down the Riverwalk Trail to the mouth of the river.   “Will there be a place to sit down?  Where would we leave our shoes?  Is hiking out in wet boots gonna give me blisters?”  Most opt for dressing down by the river, but only after I have already wrestled into my full body armor in the parking lot.  This proves to be entertaining later in the day when the hike is done, as I do the long one mile walk back to the car.  By then, it is mid afternoon, and the sequined sweatshirt/white tennis shoe crowd is out in full force.  Never have I felt more like an astronaut just coming off a moon walk than having those people literally stop and stare as they met me clunking back up the trail from the river.IMG_2180 IMG_2181 IMG_2184

I wish I could describe the feeling from the mixed messages between  my feet and my brain as I enter the 46 degree Virgin River.  First, I step into the flowing river wearing rigid, zip-up shoes that feel warm and dry inside, yet the water seeps in and fills them within a matter of seconds.   First the left, then 3 steps later, the right.   The brain says “You idiot, why are you stepping into a river with dry feet?”   Then a few more feet into the river, and the opposite happens.    My feet should be dry but they are wet, while my pants should be wet but they are dry.  Again, the brain says “Does not compute!”

IMG_2188 IMG_2191 IMG_2198We start out the hike with our “Guide Noir,” Box Canyon Mark, who rolls up his kryptonite shorts to wade through the freezing river.   One little misstep which gets his seat wet, and he takes off upriver, never to be seen again, thus leaving us “guide-less.”   You would think he was cold or something… Sure, his legs may be tan, but his lips are turning a lovely shade to match his “baby blues.” 😉IMG_0567

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While most did their best to avoid the water, Debbie and I both enjoyed the feeling of cold compression on the legs as we waded into deeper waters.   It just felt so odd to be hip-deep in a cold, flowing river, yet still be dry! There was just something so playful in defying the laws of fabric.   Those pants were amazing!IMG_0588 IMG_2220 IMG_2224

The hike into the Narrows has to be one of my top favorite hikes of all time, and that’s a tall order considering some of the spectacular scenery I have been introduced to during my three week visit here in Zion National Park.  The cold, foreboding walls of steel colored stone referred to as “Wallstreet” tower over the peaceful river with such majesty, as if they are the magistrate of Lower Manhattan itself.   But tread lightly, for one crack of thunder, and they would no doubt quake in fear as the silver sliver of a stream turns into a raging force which no wall, no matter how mighty can withstand over time.

“Nothing is softer or more flexible than water, yet nothing can resist it.” ~ Lao Tzu

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11 thoughts on “A Narrow Fit

  1. What a fun adventure! So far we have been too frugal to consider doing the Narrows…but your experience sounds awesome…we may have to reconsider. I ALWAYS have to pee while hiking so I wonder how difficult it really is to get out of the overalls if necessary???

  2. Not sure we will ever get to the Narrows. I love hiking but the water doesn’t excite me.

    But I must say that I was laughing so hard when I read this post. Outstanding account:) The bathroom thing may have been my undoing. I don’t think I could have gone all that time.

    You certainly have done it all meeting up with the Gang. It will be hard to duplicate those type hikes.

  3. I love the way you tied your preparation to the actual hike. I’m sooooo glad I got a chance to do this hike and can’t wait until I can do it again!

  4. My Dear Sissy Pants Babe,
    Thank you for taking back to the “meat locker.” Blue eyes? Check. Blue lips? Check. Little Boy Blue couldn’t even “blow his horn.” 🙁
    You’ve proven yourself worthy since the Narrows, outgrowing your Grasshopper stage, taking on some of the most difficult hikes in Zion.
    What comes after Grasshopper???
    Box Canyon Noir 🙂

  5. Stunning place and once again great pictures. It would definitely be on my list of places to visit. It never matters what you look like as long as you’re appropriately dressed for the situation.

  6. Boy what a post this is Suzanne. The pictures are stunning, gorgeous, outstanding I don’t have enough words for how beautiful they are. And the narrative has me just literally laughing so hard tears are running down my face. Guide Noir and the RV Babes. Makes me laugh again to type it. Hazmat suits, I love it! But why don’t they just use those overalls that the fly fishermen use? Don’t they keep you totally dry? I would have done this with you in a heartbeat. I did Angel’s Landing but they had closed the narrows due to high water when we were there. An everlasting regret. I want to meet you there next time and be one of the “babes”. Did you do a chorus line??

  7. Hi, Reta — Thanks for following along! I had too much of a “death grip” on my camera for any kind of selfies! LOL! I think there may be some over on Box Canyon Mark’s blog. Yes, wet feet the entire time, but the boots came with neoprene socks, so my feet stayed miraculously warm!

    Lisa — it wasn’t the difficulty of “dropping trou” per se, but rather the lack of any place to do so. There were no bushes, and very few side pockets. Hans would need to stand guard. 😉

    Barbara — I am not sure they were envy…I was looking pretty tired, wet, and c-c-c-cold by that time! But it was a blast!

    Pam — Yes, I know my “Disneyland” days are soon coming to an end, and I have a knot in my stomach just thinking about it. But it has been a great ride!

    John — I am so glad you got to do it also, because that meant I finally got to meet you in person!

    BC Mark, aka “Guide Noir” — As Grasshoppah increases level of difficulty, so does Sensei. I will always be “Grasshoppah” to you. 😉

    Gayle, I am glad it was one of your favorites, especially since Mark accused me of trying to strong-arm you in to it. 😉

    Dave — Appropriately dressed and WARM! Thankfully! It was a very unique spot, even for canyon country!

    Janna — Thanks for the comment. I would love to see what the river looked like when it was that high! It is pretty low at this time of year, as you can see.

    Sherry — Thanks for the nice compliments. I think the fish wader pants might be a little less flexible and heavier. These dry pants were actually very comfortable! And yes, I tried to talk them into red lipstick and air guitar, like Robert Palmer’s “Might as well face it, your addicted to love” video, but no one was buying. You can help me talk them in to it when you join us! 😉

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