…when they Take to the Highway
A song that they sing when they take to the sea.
A song that they sing of their home in the sky,
Maybe you can believe it if it helps you to sleep,
But singing works just fine for me.
I haven’t felt much like singing lately. Consequently, I haven’t felt much like blogging either. It’s taken me some time to feel like writing again after the “hellidays.” When I have tried, I sound angry. My five weeks in Texas for the holidays was like a third funeral, this time grieving over having come to the realization that it’s never going to be the same. In fact, it is never going to “get better.” There is a bleak pall over the family farm that sucks me in almost to the point of debilitation. Sadness for my loved ones, hopeless and helpless to help ease their pain.
So I have been on the fence about whether I wanted to start blogging again, as it has always felt like a happy place for me, but I just no longer felt like a match. In trying to find a way to make it my happy place again, I considered all sorts of angles. Maybe photos only. Or maybe I would disable the “Comments” section for a little while to quiet my inner critic and return to the “roots” of why I blog. That doesn’t mean I don’t love the comments…quite the contrary! I love them too much…to the point that I realized I somehow lost myself in the audience. I even consulted a fellow blogger for insight, who offered the analogy of a painter, a musician, or any kind of creative artist that pauses to await feedback after every saxophone solo, every brush stroke, which if allowed, can be downright paralyzing to the creative process.
But I am not exactly a “creative artist.” I have always maintained that the purpose of the blog was for me….to have some kind of creative outlet to combine my three passions; travel, writing, and photography, and the day I become jaded by “what people think” is the day I need to reevaluate my reasons for blogging.
But I miss the writing. I miss the self expression. I miss seeing scenes through the lens that I want to share with others. And I regret not having a way to remember where I have been, the quirky things I have seen, the experiences and wonderful people I meet. Sure, I can keep all that on my hard drive, but having followers keeps me motivated to keep it up to date.
I need to find a way to quiet the inner critic. “Am I boring my followers?” “How do I write about this and make it different than last time I was here?” Even worse, “How do I make it sound different than others who have been here?” My blog always seems to be on a “7 day delay,” so how to describe the same hike, the same mountain, the same boondock without sounding like I am plagiarizing friends?
So now that I stopped, how do I get started again? A lot of ground has been covered since my last December post. How to just “jump in” and get caught up? And what if I get started again and can’t keep it going? I guess it’s one way to tell if I have lost my inspiration altogether, or just a temporary case of bloggers block.
Life is all about making choices in effort to feel good. I try to make these choices like a patient in an optometrist chair, “Which is better…A, or B?” For now, it feels better to start blogging again. That may change tomorrow, but for now, I am a blogger once more…for what it’s worth.
Here’s what happened while I was away…